It's Unsettling

As leaders we know about an issue at CV that has been raised over and over again by many of you over the years, and we have filed it in the "We don't know what to do about this" pile, where a few other things are and will remain until clarity arrives. The reason we don't know what to do, is because we don't want to make our ushers into "shush" cops, and God forbid we shush someone who is not a 'church' person and inadvertantly communicate to them that they don't know the unwritten rules of this place, and so they don't/can't belong. We also know we want to welcome everyone, and so we don't want to be a place where propriety rules over welcome. I guess I am writing about this today because maybe just talking about it is a good thing. I have been thinking about silence, and sometimes silence about an issue is loud, you know? So here I go.

Lately I have been unsettled about a number of things in my own life, and as a result I have found Sunday morning service difficult for me - specifically the singing part. I know when I come - even more so because I am struggling - that I need to connect with Jesus, and find the perspective that worship brings: it puts Jesus back into the centre - but I am finding (like many many others have for many years) that the noise in the back half of our sanctuary, esp. at the 11:00 service, drives me to distraction. It's like that unsettledness; of voices and doors and feet, etc., gloms (is that even a word?) on to my own unsettledness, until it is a big glob of stuff inside me that blocks my own worship experience and turns it into frustation and effort and guilt and more frustration...until the singing ends and I feel worse off than I did before I came.

So as I stand and stew lately, I have been watching and thinking. I have noticed that a lot of the noise is from kids, and I want them to worship with us. Sometimes the voices that distract me are people praying for each other, and then I feel terrible that they have distracted and annoyed me. Sometimes is people who I think might not know better, and I want them to be a part of us too.

I have also noticed that much of the noise is any of us coming into the sanctuary after the music has begun, and because we are just arriving we meet and greet our friends before we find our seat and start singing. I noticed this because I have caught myself doing it.

I used to be in the children's centre most Sundays, and over there we teach the kids that we don't talk to each other during worship because that is a time when God might be talking to us on the inside, and so we don't want to either miss what he is saying to us, or to interrupt what he is saying to someone else. Since I have caught myself coming in late and chatting with whoever I pass as I make my way to my seat, I am trying to be more mindful of this.

I am trying to be mindful too that it is first of all my own unsettledness that is precipitating my struggle with this, and so I don't want my annoyance to distract me from facing my own stuff. And I don't want to take out my own stuff on other people.

I also know though, that as a person, regardless of how I am doing, I am easily distracted. And because I am predominantly left-brained, doing a right-brained thing like worship requires focus for me. So I am not saying that everyone who struggles with this is struggling themselves, not by a long-shot. Some of us just notice stuff like this more than others.

If half of us are left-brain dominant, then that means half of us might have trouble with distractions while worshipping...

Anyway, like I said at the beginning, this one is still in the "we don't know what to do about this' pile, where it has been for many years, and might stay forever. We are a church that wants to embrace others and we value encounter with Jesus and community over rules and regs. And so this might just be something we will have to juggle. And that's okay. But I also know that I have become more mindful of my own contribution to this lately, and so maybe bringing it up might twig some of you too. :)

Like in all families, I love who we are, and sometimes it drives me crazy.

Shelley