Fred
Smith Sr. is a man who loved Jesus, was full of wisdom, and was a brilliant leader. Although I've never met him, I feel like I know him quite well. The other day I read something by him that was so rich, that I need to share it with you. It's entitled: Fundamental People Principles
Here are three simple things that I have learned about people.
First, I have learned that I waste time in trying to correct other people's mistakes. I should use the time to utilize their strengths and buttress their weaknesses. A lot of training programs I have seen are geared to overcoming weaknesses - what a waste of time!
Second, I have learned that you can't change anybody else. Each person has to change himself or herself - you can't do it for them. You can set up pressures or you can be there to encourage, but the action can't be taken for another. You might even create fear that will cause a temporary change but nothing permanent. We spend an awful lot of time putting temporary situations in place, thinking that we have changed a person, but in the end it is only a short-term fix.
Third, I have learned that people are the way they are because they want to be that way. I haven't always believed this. In fact, when I started out in life, I wanted to be a social worker and I became extremely disillusioned with people. Now I am totally convinced that each of us is the way we are because we want to be that way. We rationalize and give all kinds of reasons that it's not true, but bottom line: You are choosing to be who you are.
When you have an opportunity to change and you don't take it, you are deciding to stay where you are. And of course, when you grow through personal challenges, you are becoming who you want to be. People who want to change make a plan. Too often lack of a plan is an easy way to rationalize the unwillingness to make changes.
Now that's rich! Here are 3 questions from Fred that you can ponder:
1. How am I choosing to stay stuck in life?
2. What is the best choice that I have made in the last six months?
3. Who is my mentor, or coach?
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I venture here to disagree:
ReplyDelete"Third, I have learned that people are the way they are because they want to be that way…You are choosing to be who you are…When you have an opportunity to change and you don't take it, you are deciding to stay where you are.”
I may not understand the perspective of this author, as I don’t really know who Fred Smith Sr. is, but I would like to extend our view. Dr. Clark Pinnock is a thoughtful theologian I have been honored to learn from. This spring in our McMaster Divinity College course on God and Human Anguish this similar thought was brought up by a few North American born, raised, and income-privileged pastors. “You make your choices” is the logic whispered here.
I commented in response to that classroom statement that it would be better self-inspection if we realized from global perspectives that choice is prominently a wealthy Western privilege, often found predominating among the male population. In general, for women and children choice- especially to change ourselves given the circumstances- is further limited, and for those in third world nations, or who come from homes filled with poverty, oppression, or terror, choice is not an available luxury. Dr. Pinnock’s response was that although he reads of the suffering of others and views a documentary or two at times about tremendous oppression or grief, he “closes the book or puts it aside and then forgets.” He went on to say we need reminders to keep our theology in global focus.
The entitlement to even think we are able to change belongs to the whole, the wealthy, (relatively speaking) and the undisturbed who live far away from war, oppression, poverty and terror. Smith says when people “have the opportunity to change and you don’t take it….you are deciding to stay where you are.” I also believe that the “choice to change” is an illusion. (comments welcome).
I disagree, when put in the context of those who have suffered immense injuries to the mind, soul, spirit, or body. Many times opportunities will arise for those who don’t understand enough to take the opportunity, or who have not been prepared sufficiently, or who have been improving within their resources, but lack the necessary pieces to continue their journey.
My own journey has led me to become suspicious of those such as Fred Smith Sr., who are highly praised by humans, and seemingly focused on corporate success (even though he says differently), and I prefer to take the piercingly truthful approach that Jean Vanier teaches. Coming from a man who has “chosen” to help those in need for community, he recognizes what is truly worthy of admiration:
“I marvel sometimes when I visit families with a son or a daughter who has a severe handicap. The parents are living each day, and sometimes the whole day, with little help or times of rest. They are not admired or honoured for what they are doing; sometimes they are even criticised for not having aborted their child or put him or her into an institution, outside the general run of society. We in l'Arche have days off; we get help and encouragement from professionals and clergy. We even receive salaries. And often people see us as wonderful and generous people. And yet, isn't it those families who are living love and truth and humility and abandonment to God in a special way? Isn't it all those families in the ghettos of large cities struggling to feed their children who are radiating a truth about our humanity? People who have chosen to live in community have much to learn from all those people throughout the world who are living love in a simple hidden way, and who are there welcoming and forgiving.”
I believe it is our day to day commitment through pain, rejection, aloneness, hardships and isolation that means the most to our Lord- and in the process brings about serious change with eternal perspectives. Much like the widow’s coin, it is when we are giving the little bit left when we feel fully drained and isolated that we are most like Christ, not when we apparently have the “choice” to change.
I think the challenge in a statement like "When you have an opportunity to change and you don't take it, you are deciding to stay where you are" is who is deciding when someone else has had an opportunity (and not taken it)? As Wendy says, what appears to be possible for some, isn't, for many people. And what change seems simple or obvious to me, isn't at all for someone who has been ill-equipped for life (growing up unloved and unsupported and continually violated). So what might seem like a simple choice to me, like deciding to go to counselling for example, is far from a simple choice to someone who is broken, and it might be impossible without a miracle or a long foundational relationship of love, for them to summon up the courage needed to do that.
ReplyDeleteI think what Fred is saying is is true, but we must be mindful that the 'opportunity to change' is not as cut and dried as it appears. It is so easy to be judgemental of one another...and statements like this can easily sound like a judgement.
I think we are called to love each other as we are, and to leave the changing part to God. We are not to be each other's Savior. And even if some of us choose to never change, we are called to love each other regardless.
With that being said, the statement "When you have an opportunity to change and you don't take it, you are deciding to stay where you are" is a challenge to us all personally, to go to Jesus and ask him where we are stuck, and to keep listening and watching for opportunity - for what he wants us to do about it. It is very true that we are all afraid of change, even if we long for it with everything we are. No matter how stuck we are, and how much we long to cast off our pain and our vices and be free of their control over us, there is another part of us that hangs on for dear life, because it is all we have known, we are used to being that way, and our pain and hangups feel like a big part of who we are. We can greatly fear who we would be without them. I think that is why Jesus sometimes asked people "do you want to be healed?" It seems like an obvious question, but sometimes we really want it but we don't want to face it either, and we can't have healing unless we face and admit our need, and our pain - and are willing to let it go and be redefined as a person.
ReplyDeleteSo I think Fred's statement is a good one to apply to our own selves, but not to apply to our neighbour.